I’m on the couch with my popcorn and sweet tea, ready for an evening of tv watching. Eyes glued to the set as the eerie music plays during the show’s intro. This mystery feature film opens with the heroine in dire straits — she’s staring down the barrel of her would-be assailant’s gun. She’s trapped — the only way out is to jump from the nearby 20th floor window to the pavement below or face the killer and their weapon. Suddenly, the star manages to pick up a huge 50-pound wooden beam with one arm and knock the bad guy silly. Then she narrowly escapes down a back stairwell just as the police are pulling up to the scene, after they were tipped off by an anonymous caller.

The heroine then joins her friends who are having dinner at a nearby 4-star restaurant. When someone asks why she’s late, she merely shrugs it off and mumbles something about a delayed hair appointment. Oh, and her makeup and hair still look perfect after the fight and escape, half running half tumbling down all those stairs.

I know these mystery shows are nothing like real life, but I love a good whodunit. They grab me by the neck and pull me into the story — then I have to figure out who the killer is, why they did it and all that goes with a late-night mystery. I’m still bummed that Hallmark took “Garage Sale Mysteries” off the air. I know… Lori Laughlin messed up and all, but there are enough actors out there to keep the show going for a long long time. Heck, they use the same people in almost every other show on the network.

Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll star in the remake of “Garage Sale Mysteries”. Do I get to pick out my co-star husband?!

If Hallmark ever decides to cast me for the lead in a mystery show, I also get to write the script. The story would happen somewhere in the South, in the country, maybe in a barn and my friends would be eating at Cracker Barrel. It would be called something like “Yard Sale Mysteries”. The plot, if based on the goings on in my neck of the woods, could involve an ostrich, a naked man and a guy who has his dogs guarding his marijuana garden. The storyline would be so much more interesting than the made-up same old same old that Hallmark produces. Sorry Hallmark guys, but you could use a few new ideas. I’m glad to share mine.

The lead character wouldn’t be all dressed up in fancy high heels and spaghetti straps. She would wear jeans, boots and a baseball cap that says “dog mom” on it. I would definitely add more humor into the dialogue – it would go a little something like this as the characters gathered at the funeral home to mourn the killer’s victim:

Mourner #1 – “Did you see how they had Mrs. Pertneer fixed up. She looked so good, just like she could speak.”

Mourner #2 – “Yes, honey. Did you hear what’s going to happen to her dish collection? They’re putting it all right in the Goodwill.”

Mourner #1 – “Oh, I didn’t know that. Did they say which day they’re taking it over there? I’ve been needin’ a new gravy boat.”

We also have to do something about those immaculate houses the characters on the shows live in. They’re beautiful, but how do you explain someone living on a librarian’s salary living in a house that looks like it came from the pages of Southern Living magazine? The star of my show would live in an apartment somewhere over a store front. Or, better yet, let’s have her live in a doublewide on her momma and daddy’s land. There’s a little dirt road leading up to it. Also, this scenario would make it easier for them to find clues when someone tries to break into the heroine’s house after she “accidentally” mentions in a crowded room that she found a notebook containing letters from the dear departed, possibly calling from the grave, that identify the guilty party. The killer is always lurking around close by, so they hear the whole thing and then try to retrieve the notebook and try to kill the heroine because she knows too much.

The boyfriend, who always shows up just as the killer is about to do the main character in, would have to be a guy from the country who left, for a time, to join the military and has now returned to rekindle his love story with our heroine. Instead of throwing books at the murderer or fighting him or her with a fake sword, this guy would be well equipped with a rifle, a side arm and a good hunting knife.

I think I have a winner here. They’d be crazy not to go for it. Anybody who wants to audition for the role of funeral mourner, see me as soon as the show’s over.