You know the old saying, “You can dress her up, but you can’t take her out”? Well, you might want to think twice before going out to eat with me. I may accidentally spill something on you.

My husband has known this for years. Still, he goes out in public to eat with me. He apparently doesn’t learn from past mistakes, because it happened again when we  went to lunch last week. I thought I would clean up our table and carry everything, stacked up in one hand, at one time. I didn’t quite make it to the trash can – one tilt and the avalanche tumbled down  … salsa went on me and a little on the people sitting near the spill site. Poor people. They had no idea.

I’m beginning to think that, perhaps, I should always eat in my car by myself. Or just stay  home. Though, I don’t think this happens except when I go out with my husband.

He should have known what he was getting himself into. The first time I so gracefully managed to spill something, I remember it was early in our relationship – I knocked a glass of tea over and it went toward his side of the table. Oh there have been numerous spill events over the 28+ years we’ve been together.

I think I need a personal assistant just for eating out.

They could make sure my bib fits well and has a little pocket to catch anything I drop (believe it or not, that’s not so much the problem — I’m a pretty good aim when it comes to getting food in my mouth), keep my glass at a distance (as I tend to talk with my hands) and clear the table after we finish eating. I think that would solve everything!

I wonder how much a thing like that costs. I don’t need a fulltime assistant — just one for when I go out to eat. It doesn’t seem to happen when I’m at home or dining at someone else’s house. On second thought, I knocked over a bottle of water while eating supper at home just yesterday.

So, that brings up another question. Why do I only make the messes when I’m eating out (or in) with my husband? Hmmmm– any psychologists out there? These and other questions may be answered someday.

Until then, know that going out to eat with me may be hazardous to your health – or at least to your wardrobe. Think before you invite me out anywhere. You’ve been warned.